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DON’T “aw babe.”

Do you really think that anyone gives a FUCK that you’re in a relationship? Especially at a concert, you RETARD. GOD DAMN IT.

Listen, it’s perfectly alright to be in a relationship and love someone. Obviously. But the rest of the world doesn’t need it shoved down their throats. We call it “aw babing.” It is the act of one member of a relationship, typically the dominant member of a relationship, wrapping their arms around the waist of his or her significant other, occasionally with the head resting on said lover’s shoulder. The name “aw babing” comes from what is clearly coming out of the mouth of the one in the back the entire time they engage in this embarrassing display:

“Aw babe. I love you so much babe. You make me feel so good babe. Aw babe. Yeah. You’re mine, babe. No one else can have you, babe. I need to show everyone how much I love you, babe. Aww yeah babe.”

It’s really awful. It’s incredibly shameless. And unbelievably distracting. You can tell us we can easily ignore you all you want, but the fact is, you doing that in public is impossible to avoid. Anyone who performs an “aw babe” rarely does it in the back of a venue, or off to the side somewhere. No. It is always done directly in front of others, almost as if they are attempting to make others jealous of their amazing relationship when it’s almost always based on a fear of being alone.

If you were secure and confident in your relationship, you don’t need to get all touchy and obnoxious in front of others. If you truly, genuinely love the person you’re with, you can show it in many other ways outside of diddling each other for the world to see. It’s clearly an issue of insecurity, of realizing that you clearly don’t love this person but want everyone to know you are in a perfect relationship so YOU look good.

Dragging a significant other to a show because of one or both of your insecurities is a dick move as well, and if the “aw babe” is merely a matter of protection or reaffirmation of thin trust, that makes it even worse. Holding and faintly slow dancing at a rock show? Get over yourself. We’d rather get our skulls caved in inside a mosh pit than watch two lovey teens pretend they’re happy.

Sometimes it gets too out of hand. At a recent concert, we witnessed a loving couple viciously holding one another for the world to see. Naturally, it was obnoxious. However, as we looked over, their slow dancing (again, to punk music, which makes no god damn sense) intensified. Before you knew it, they were actually facing each other (a reverse “aw babe”?), grinding upon each other’s genitals and pulling each other’s shirts up. Things came to a head (disgusting pun probably intended) when the woman was visibly gripping the man’s erect dong through his pants and giving him a full-on handjob while dancing.

REALLY? Fucking REALLY?! You guys are just THAT IN LOVE and the fast punk rock music makes you THAT HORNY that you COULD SIMPLY NOT WAIT to leave the venue and go back to the privacy of your homes, a hotel room, or a fucking alleyway? You just HAD TO DO IT RIGHT THERE, in front of thousands of people trying to enjoy watching a band play? YOU BOTH BETTER HAVE HAD AIDS AND THEN GIVEN IT TO EACH OTHER THAT NIGHT, RESULTING IN A PERFECT STORM OF AIDS KILLING YOU BOTH INSTANTLY.

It’s just uncalled for. It needs to stop. There’s nothing right about what you do. Our etiquette may be anti-social, but your behavior is flat out gross. You don’t look like you’re in love. You look desperate. And weird. No one wants to see that. Have some respect for those around you, and maybe save a bit for yourselves as well. We’re all trying to have a good time here, but you think showing off your warped concept of love makes it look like you’re having an even better time. We know the truth. You’ll be broken up within the week.

Hopefully you both get drunk enough at your concert that you get in an accident and die on the way home. And if you aren’t old enough to drive, hopefully your parents are wasted when they pick you up, beat the shit out of you, and get in an accident on the way home. They deserve to die, too, since they birthed you.

AW BABE DEATH MAKES ME FEEL SO GOOD BABE NOW WE’RE TOGETHER FOREVER… babe.

November 6, 2011 | Categories: Public Behavior | 1 Comment »

DON’T go to college.

Do you know what Halle Berry, Bill Gates, Dell Inc. founder Michael Dell, Henry Ford,USPresident Andrew Jackson, Steven Spielberg, and John Rockefeller all have in common? They didn’t graduate from college. Hell, some of them didn’t even graduate from high school. Think these are just “rare cases?” Think again. The College Dropout Hall of Fame is a website collecting all of the world’s most successful college, or even high school, drop outs. Something tells me college may not be worth it.

We both know first hand it’s not.

Michael holds a Bachelor’s of Science in Game Art & Design, and has been seeking gainful employment, not just in his field, but very much around it as well, for the past three years. Blame the economy, sure. Blame the fact that it’s a god damn art degree, that makes sense as well. But what about Eleni? Her Bachelor’s is in Fashion & Retail Management, something a hell of a lot broader, and yet it, too, is yielding no results.

What do we have to show for it? The collective cost of a small house’s worth in debt, and Sallie Mae practically living in our asses. Tens of thousands of dollars spent on an education that no one gives a shit about. Not even us, at this point. Our education has become more of a frustration than a future.

Don’t get us wrong, we completely understand the world we live in. The economy is tanking, the country is falling apart, and unemployment is skyrocketing. Yet people are still getting jobs! Job sites continue to pop up more ads than you can count on a daily basis. But every single bastard employer out there is taking full advantage of the fact that better qualified people are out of work. Entry-level college graduates don’t have even the slightest chance when established, experienced professionals are desperate for work first, and at entry-level salaries.

The problem is that education has become irrelevant. Employers care more about experience than education, because they themselves don’t have the education. Especially a lot of smaller businesses with closely-knit inner circles founded by uneducated people. They certainly wouldn’t want a smarter, educated person coming in and taking over the company and actually running it properly, all the while putting their retarded pals out of work! (Oops, one of us may have just perfectly described why they didn’t get a recent managerial position at their job…)

ANYHOW. No one wants someone with an education. Unless you know someone or have experience that you can’t get because other jobs require experience, you’re out of luck. And it requires a hell of a lot of luck.

Let’s look at it another way. Let’s look at the actual experience of GOING to college. Here’s one great reason why you should never attend college:

And if this IS your reason for going to college, you probably should stop yourself now.

Everyone brags about how awesome the “experience” is at college, how much you learn about life and about yourself and all the amaaaazing interactions with all the people there. Getting wasted and banging dumb sluts (or bros) is not gaining life experience. It’s losing brain cells and gaining a shitload of STDs. It’s becoming a lamer person, falling into one horrendous lifestyle that some people simply can’t shake after they graduate.

You’re going to be around a bunch of people in their late teens and early 20s who think that, because they have one semester under their belt that they understand the world. Some of them are really pretentious, others try to act deep and learned, but they’re all terrible and they’re all obnoxious. Almost all of them fall into the same world, getting the same boring, tired personality and losing any sense of identity they would have otherwise. It’s a social nightmare.

We’ll get back to college kids in another article.

The last thing, of course, is money. It’s simply not worth it financially. Even the most successful people out of college can rarely pay back their student loans and manage to live a normal life. People who go on to make even high five figure salaries still struggle with student loan debt well into their forties. INTO THEIR FORTIES. They could have children going into college while they are still paying for their own education.

THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

It should not cost ten, twenty, thirty, or even more thousand dollars a year to get a god damn education. Books should not cost hundreds of dollars. These are people trying to better themselves and they should be rewarded for that instead of penalized for trying to actually succeed in life. You shouldn’t have to pay for an education, and if you do, they should actually show you where every single cent is going.

All this being said, college isn’t all bad. I mean, it is, but you can learn valuable stuff. You can possibly meet a couple of reasonable people. And once in a while, your education or connections at college could land you a job one day. Plus, it never hurts to be smarter.

But for the most part, if you waste your time going to college, like we did, you are retarded.

August 18, 2011 | Categories: Famous Assholes, Work | 2 Comments »

DON’T say “random” if you don’t know what it means.

The two of us have let this stew for a long time. Now, neither of us are exactly authorities when it comes to the English language. We certainly make our misstaques from time to time (SEE WHAT WE DID THERE HAHAHA), but some people tend to make worse mistakes. Much worse. There are certain words in the English language that have taken on completely wrong meanings, due to, well, people being fucking retards. We will explore all of these words over time in our anti-social journey, but we are going to start with one at random – oh wait, that’s the perfect one to start with.

Random.

Here’s how Webster’s dictionary defines “random:”

It’s pretty simple. Random means choosing something without any meaning or planning behind it. If you have a bunch of numbered pieces of paper in a hat, and reach in, and pull any single one out, that is random. If you look into the pieces, choose a piece of paper that you have spotted with your gorgeous eye, and pull it out, that is not random. That was pre-determined. And you being a dick. I mean, come on, just grab any one.

In this modern age of misusing words, however, people have decided that random simply means “funny.” It’s tough to track down just when people stopped using the word correctly, but we have a sinking feeling that YouTube is to blame.

When people go on YouTube and post videos of themselves along with their moronic pals, typically they are posting a video that only they find funny. It can be them acting out inside jokes, them acting out inside jokes, or maybe even them acting out inside jokes. These kids believe that making fun of their principal’s Danish accent and horn-rimmed glasses that are way too feminine, as Tony Stewart hilariously pointed out by calling him “MRS. Flannigan” while Jenny Singleton was getting in trouble over the pasta party debacle, will be funny to the entire internet. When other, dumber kids find these videos, typically they won’t understand the context or the jokes themselves. However, in an effort to fit in and “get” all of this INCREDIBLE comedy, they merely declare it to be “random.”

What they don’t understand is that this is all completely thought out. The issue is, however, that it is thought out in the brains of comedically retarded people who believe that, because they find something funny amongst their friends under a very specific context, that the other kids on the internet will slob its knob as well. They are desperate to be the ones to find the next big VIRAL HIT.

It can also be attributed to up-and-coming “comedians,” who don’t know what comedy is outside of Martin Lawrence, trying to gain attention by doing something that’s “NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE.” They want to be internet famous (which, by the way, is the worst kind of famous – please tell your friends about this site) by doing any retarded thing that they can come up with. That’s the key, though – they’re still coming up with this. They think, beforehand, that it would be “random” to dance in pajama pants while singing the theme song to Fraggle Rock and juggling eggs. But just because these things don’t go together does not make it random – you are still planning it out beforehand. Thought, granted, the smallest amount possible, still goes into this. Ugh.

Everyone thinks “random” just means “I don’t get it but I’m going to think it’s funny anyways so people don’t hate me.” Everyone is wrong. Get a fucking dictionary.

One source that can certainly be blamed is Family Guy. Jesus Christ. Even referencing it is making us vomit on our keyboards (lol random). Their cutaway jokes, which frequently reference or simply re-enact popular culture in a variety of ways, is often declared random by idiots who just don’t get the reference. I remember, and again, I am cringing at the thought of typing this, when Family Guy referenced the internet smash “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” by simply having show-ruining character Brian perform the tune, a lot of people did not get the reference as they had never seen the video before… the lucky bastards. However, they still made sure to find it absolutely HILARIOUS by declaring it “lol omg so random.” IT WAS A DELIBERATE REFERENCE TO AN ESTABLISHED INTERNET MEME. BRIAN PERFORMED IT FOR PETER BECAUSE IT MADE HIM LAUGH. IT WAS A CHEAP REFERENCE, BUT IT STILL, BY A THREAD, MADE SENSE WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF THE SHOW. THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF RANDOM.

We have raped you internet style with caps lock for long enough. If you hear a teenager calling something random, beat the shit out of it. They do not know what it means. Please let the word go back to a state where I don’t have to follow up using it with “and I actually mean random.”

POTATO

HAHAHAHA WE SO RIGGITY RIGGITY RIGGITY RANDOM

July 17, 2011 | Categories: Anti-Social Dictionary | 2 Comments »

DON’T Call People Haters.

Haters.

It pains me to even use the word. It’s difficult to even go on a hateful rampage about it. I suppose, however, since I’m here typing, that I should give it a shot.

“Hater” is a word used, almost 100% of the time, by awful people, with awful flaws, that refuse to defend their awful selves. Typically it is a very poor and lazy defense mechanism used by a shitty human being that cannot even attempt to defend a terrible trait, despicable attitude, or an obnoxious error of existence.

An example, you ask? I hate to get topical, but the best and most recent use of the word comes from the budding pop “sensation” Rebecca Black. The miserable, useless, talent void auto-tuning twat, when discussing her decision of whether or not to take her video off of YouTube after a tremendous amount of negative feedback, has been quoted as saying –

“I decided not to give the haters the satisfaction that they got me so bad.”

Btubteutcnuefnfaofidekjeoif!

Honestly! The “haters”? The 2,387,010 dislikes on your YouTube video are nothing but “haters”? If over TWO MILLION PEOPLE have decided that your video is a hunk of worthless shit, compared to the meager 320,000 who probably all ironically clicked “like” on your video for the sake of trolling, you should probably defend yourself a little more than just dismissing them as haters.

That’s all the word is—dismissive. And that’s what irks me the most about it.

Instead of trying to defend your love for Justin Bieber, or tribal tattoos, or date rape, and actually making people understand why you are the horrendous way you are, you instead decide to just say, “Fuck ‘em, they’re a bunch of haters.” That only makes you look like more of an asshole!

What’s even worse are the people who “love” haters. People who think they “make them stronger” or “fuel their passions.” Jesus Christ no! The only thing worse than simply calling someone a hater is saying that you LOVE them. At that point you are essentially implying that you are going to continue to be a cockmuncher, maybe even WORSE so, purely out of spite. THAT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. THERE IS OBVIOUSLY A REASON THAT PEOPLE HATE YOU.

Check it. I like a lot of things that aren’t exactly popular. I like wrestling. Good ol’ homoerotic, overly dramatic, “YO GUY KID DAT SHIT’S FAKE” WWE wrestling. I also like ska music. The simple, corny, band dork fake punk music. But if people give me shit for liking them, I don’t just call them  haters. I do my absolute best to explain why these things appeal to me. I’m not trying to convince these people to like the lame things that make me happy, I just want them to get an understanding of why I love these things.

If you can properly justify your actions, using common sense and logic, then you have no reason to call someone a hater. If you can explain your way out of your Coldplay CD collection or your reality show filled DVR or your Red Sox suit or your vegan lifestyle, then go ahead and be a douche, I won’t call you out on it. Well, I will, but I’ll at least have some respect for you. Well, no I won’t, but yeah. You’re still a better person for it.

But if you have to dismiss how incomprehensibly intolerable you are by calling me a hater instead of at least attempting to simply USE WORDS to justify yourself, it’s pretty damn clear you are wrong and simply unwilling to make a change.

After all, haters gonna hate.

April 26, 2011 | Categories: Regular Assholes | 3 Comments »

DON’T Deface Money.

It is a federal offense. But mostly, it’s so you don’t become THIS asshole.

COMIC. GENIUS.

Jesus, everyone needs to die.

April 18, 2011 | Categories: Regular Assholes | 1 Comment »

DON’T Feed the Hollywood Troll

I purposely waited a while to throw this article out there because I didn’t want to seem like I’m jumping on any kind of bandwagon. The last thing I wanted anyone to think I was doing is capitalize on all the bullshit with the gentleman from Two and a Half Men. Now that it’s died down a bit, it’s time for me to yell at the universe.

STOP IT.

That’s a BAD universe. Enough!

Seriously. Every single time a famous person flies off the handle, in a drunken/angry/horny/racist rage, the internet and, hell, all of media, centers itself around that particular person for weeks and it makes me want to kill myself. Ricky Vaughn is only the most recent example. I mean, Jesus Christ, a few days after the Japanese tsunami, I saw that MSNBC still dedicated an entire hour-long documentary to the dude.

HE’S AN ACTOR. HE SAID DUMB THINGS. How many actors are known for saying SMART or INSIGHTFUL things? And saying them in their fucking MOVIES doesn’t count.

Honestly, stop feeding the troll. The more attention you pay to it (like this article, lolzar00ni), the bigger it gets. There are now t-shirts that reference Lt. Harley being victorious. And not just, like, one t-shirt hidden on someone’s Café Press site. EVERY T-SHIRT WEBSITE ON THE INTERNET. News outlets dedicating daily coverage to the man, YouTube filled to the brim with parodies and reenactments, and worst of all, enthusiast blogs dying to make even the thinnest connection to him to get noticed.

Obviously this isn’t the first time, either. Britney Spears is a huge example, with her every step being  monitored so the internet could have a laugh. For realsies? Christ. Let’s not forget equally trashy and shockingly less talented Lindsay Lohan, or fucking Kramer for crying out loud. Christian Bale’s singular blowout became a thing for weeks. And Mel Gibson, fucking Mel Gibson, that fella was OUT OF CONTROL covered by everything imaginable.

Why the hell is it that just because these people act, or sing, or make really fucking good movies like Apocalypto that their being a shitty person becomes news to the point that it’s actually more important than real things happening in the real world? Oh, because people like watching other people fall apart because people are terrible.

Remember on The Simpsons when all the advertisements came to life? What was the solution? Oh yeah, “Just Don’t Look.” Well, don’t. Don’t feed into the bullshit. Don’t you realize your neighbor might be just as racist as Mel Gibson, or that your brother’s girlfriend might be just as big a crack whore as Lindsay Lohan? Watching people you know fall apart is infinitely more interesting, because then you get to call them out on their bullshit and potentially make them kill themselves.

Stop paying attention to this shit. It’s not interesting, it’s only marginally funny and for like, the first day, and the internet and all of media becomes infinitely worse the more attention you give it.

Seriously. Charlie Sheen t-shirts. What the fuck.

March 30, 2011 | Categories: Famous Assholes | 1 Comment »

DON’T Get Braces if You’re an Adult

Alright. Before I go off on how awful you look, I will say I DO understand there are medical reasons for
this to happen. This is THE only good reason to have braces at your age.

As if brace-face isn’t bad enough at 16, the legal age limit at which you can have braces, you had to go
and get all vain at 90 and tinsel up your face. Just so you know this makes your teeth look MORE obvious.

What difference do you think this is going to make for you? Will you get a raise? A new job? The man or
woman or your dreams? Probably not. The irreversible damage you are doing to your probably already shitty
social life won’t be fixed by the two years of creepy awkwardness and pain you just endured. This is ALL
people can see when they look at you. They are not thinking how brave you are or how they can’t wait to
make out with you when your mouth is less full. They are thinking “WOW your parents were douches for not
dishing out the money so you would have had them when you were all together gross.”

Besides the fact that your parents are douches, though, you are an adult now. You should probably have a job so you can afford the adult alternatives to braces. Ever heard of Invisalign? Or if your teeth are REALLY bad, and you have a GREAT job, you can get veneers. If you can’t afford them, get a better job. I shouldn’t have to point out the fact that there are adult alternatives that cost relatively the same as braces. You’re on the internet, you should be able to find it pretty easily!

Thing is, braces are also not going to make you better in any way. If you are doing it because you think it will actually improve your life in any way you need to just fuck off. No one cares about your teeth! What’s the worse thing people will do…look at them? OH NO! YOU HAVE A FAULT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! WAAAAAH! fuck. you.

If you are being dumb for the attention of the opposite sex I really hate you. The person you are going
through all this to obtain is even worse than you. I hate to be positive for a second but there will be
someone out there that likes you no matter what, or because they have some worse physical issue than your gnarled teeth. Either way you win. Unless you are as shallow as the people you’re looking to date. You
probably are. UGH!

Cut the shit.

March 21, 2011 | Categories: Fashion and Appearance | 2 Comments »

DON’T Take a Shitty Job Seriously

I’ve worked exclusively shit jobs in my day, jobs that are menial, boring, and of absolutely no relevance to anything ever. I have yet to have a job where I do not feel completely dispensable, and for the most part, anyone I worked alongside felt the same way.

When you don’t have a good education, or you do have a good education and live in 2011, you’re likely to take jobs just to pay the bills and survive, which is beyond respectable. And of course, you’re going to want to do those jobs reasonably well and not get fired. HOWEVER, with jobs like these, there is a huge difference from doing them well and going overboard, especially in a place with little to no chance for advancement.

I don’t think any example gets worse than a woman I once knew as 4 x 4 Lucy. She worked at a local Wendy’s that my co-workers and I would frequent on our half-hour lunch breaks. She was awful. Weighing in at 850 pounds and sporting the most obnoxious, high-pitched voice known to man, Lucy absolutely adored her job at Wendy’s. She was probably at the ripe old age of 50, and yet she acted like Liberty van Fucking Zandt. Overachieving at WENDY’S.

“HELLO!” she so often shouted, coming to tables like she worked at a legitimate restaurant. “How is everything? Can I get you anything?” Pretty sure you can’t do that since you’re not a god damn waitress. She would often come around with free samples of the cuisine, which I’m pretty sure you can’t actually do at a fast-food joint, trying to entice us to go up for the dreaded fast-food round 2.

And to show that she truly, genuinely loved her minimum-wage gig, there was one day when she went up to an apathetic father and his young daughter. “HOW’S EVERYTHING GOING?!” she obnoxiously exclaimed. As the father gave her a “get the fuck away from me” grunt, she then turned to the young cherub and shouted, “IS EVERYTHING GOING GOOD? YEAH? I KNOW! IT’S NOT EVERY DAY YOU GET TO GO TO WENDY’S!”

That is correct, 4 x 4 Lucy, it is not, because most people aren’t disgusting fucking slobs and know how to pace themselves when it comes to fast food. You need to change it up every day with all the other fast-food places so you only APPEAR to not be a slovenly glutton. But seriously. She was acting like it was some kind of privilege to the little shit that her dad treated her to a $4 meal that his ex-wife probably forced him to buy in the first place.

If you work at a Wendy’s, your job is to stand there, take orders, clean up, and make food. What will you accomplish by treating your menial job like it’s anything more than just that? Manager? So you can make a whopping $2 more an hour and drive yourself further down the road away from a meaningful career? Cool, bro.

What’s worse than enthusiasm, though, is people that take these jobs too seriously to the point of actually being serious about it. The legendary Aquabats refer to this as “cheeseburger politics.” If you work at a convenience store, and a coworker shows up three minutes late when it has no impact on you, and you actually REPORT that for no reason other than to be a complete twat, there’s something severely wrong with you.

If you gossip, if you screw people over, if you treat company policy like a personal bible, and if any of this will have absolutely no impact on you in the long term, get over yourself. You’re making a quarter above the minimum wage and can be dropped at any time without your boss even blinking.

Shut up, do your job, and unless you are GENUINELY PASSIONATE about selling scratch tickets or moving boxes and want to move ahead, DON’T take your piece of shit job seriously.

March 6, 2011 | Categories: Work | Leave A Comment »

DON’T Get Vanity Plates

Why is it so important to tell the world some dumb thing about yourself ? No one cares…especially everyone.

Vanity plates have become way too popular. There is never a good reason to personalize your car more than having your name on the registration but you assholes decided it would be a great idea to waste money you don’t have on telling everyone that happens to see you driving how much you HRT2FRT…fuuuck you.

The most annoying of all vanity plates factor in a larger group of douches that drive expensive cars they can’t afford. Normally BMW, Mercedes and Lexus drivers are the culprits in these cases. The vanity plates that say the model of the cars they are driving. Seriously? Well, Sir, I just want to thank you for the convenience of not having to turn my head 6 inches to the left to find out the model of that fantastic car! You deserve a medal.

Then of course there are the plates that are not even decipherable to anyone BUT the owner. FDX-JKE , WHY BOTHER? Oh, it’s because you’re SPRRNDM! Or maybe you’re 2KOOL4U. You should actually use one of those last two instead because you would still be a douche but at least everyone would know specifically why. Inside jokes should never cost $75 a year….or however much, you would know.

On a side note I have to say how disappointed I am that in the entire state of Massachusetts I had to see the biggest asshole in the state with the plate GTL. I know you all know what that is but if you don’t, I love you. If you do…sigh. How awful do you have to be to see a show and immediately run to the RMV to get these plates? Beyond.

Fine. You want me to know you LV2RUN or that you can MNTCLMB. I get it, you’re proud. I am PRDOFU2. But instead I say get a sticker about your dumb activities and donate your vanity plate money to me so I can pay back my college loans.

February 28, 2011 | Categories: The Road | 2 Comments »

DON’T Start a Band

The immortal Aaron Barrett, while slightly tongue-in-cheek, has suggested to all aspiring musicians out there to NOT start a band. And can you blame the guy? The music scene is FUCKED. Mainstream or underground, the acts that are making it big are typically pure garbage. While there will never be an actual drought of excellent music out there, be it from newcomers or the massive back catalog of legends in every genre you can think of, there is an increasingly large amount of terrible young acts coming up.

There’s a number of reasons for this. First and foremost, I blame god damn Guitar Hero. What started off as a fun rhythm game that let people rock out to a decent range of classic guitar tracks eventually morphed into a monopolizing clusterfuck of titles that declined in quality with every incarnation. The original two games eventually blew up into a nightmare, causing evil parent corporation Activision to whore out the franchise to the point that they had to stop making games all together. But the damage had been done.

Kids and teens across the country thought, “Hey, this plastic guitar makes me feel awesome. I’m probably amazing at real guitar too!” Sad thing is, that shit does NOT translate. And yet it did not stop thousands of teens and, unfortunately, adults, from picking up a guitar and thinking that success in Guitar Hero meant real-life music success as well. It completely didn’t.

But let’s not forget the awful culture that Disney and Nickelodeon are crafting. Bullshit shows like Big-Time Rush, Hannah Montana, and Victorious are telling every piece of shit child that yes, they too can be rock stars with wacky and hilarious situations peppering their daily lives. Fuck that, man. It’s bad enough kids used to be told they can do anything if they put their mind to it (they clearly cannot), but now they’re being given specific goals and being shown just how AWESOME the rockstar lifestyle is.

Factor in just how easy it is to become famous through awful media like YouTube (coughJUSTINBIEBERcough), and just about everyone thinks becoming a famous musician is a viable career option. It ISN’T.

Musical talent takes years and years of hard work and dedication. Just learning an instrument and playing it to the point that you can compose original music for it can take the better part of a decade. On top of that, you’ve got to find other people that share your musical vision and have enough talent to keep up with you and everyone else. That doesn’t just HAPPEN. Just because you and your bros regularly jam out to Rock Band and one of you can sort of sing doesn’t mean you’re going to be the next Nickelback (and we all know that’s something that should not happen in the first place).

If you want to start a band, go for it. Maybe you’re the one in a thousand that will actually become moderately successful. Otherwise, prepare for years of hard work, frustration, failure, and boatloads of sacrifice. If you truly love music and are legitimately talented, it will be an incredibly rewarding experience that will change your life. But chances are, you’re probably some douche that knows a couple chords is far too optimistic about their future.

I would know. I was in a band for a few months. I KNOW EVERYTHING.

February 28, 2011 | Categories: Music | 3 Comments »

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